ABCs: First Impressions

A is for Arab food: Yesterday we discovered a delicious food stand. We have been warned to avoid street food, for reasons ranging from temporary intestinal discomfort to sudden and violent death. However, I will risk Ebola and all other deadly diseases for the delicious шяурма (basically looks like a gyro-taco) that we’ve found at a food stand near the university. For a mere $3, I get a derrrrricious taco-gyro goody (and believe me, in Moscow that’s cheap) and a drink. Not that Russians especially fancy Arabs. Goal for the trip: become a regular and order my “usual”. In short, I need to make Arab friends, as well as Chechen and Gypsies.

B is for Belorusskaya Station: The closest metro station to our university (МУМ). The station building is a beautiful kelly green with white trim. All in all, the architecture in Moscow is astounding. Stepping off the train into the station is a whirlwind of beauty, which is tainted only by the scattered clusters of policemen (see P). Not only is the outside of the station absolutely lovely, but the interior is a pure swirl of marble. Cold and solid, like the people.

C is for City Day: Day of the City, or День Города in Russian, is Moscow’s special “we’re awesome” day. Hear that St. Petersburg?! It was pretty cool. We schlepped around the city until we stumbled across Red Square (actually, all the drunkards were stumbling. We were walking normally. There were a lot of stumblers though). Of course, Red Square was swarming with the Moscow Po Po, and they wouldn’t let us American swine past the gates. Luckily we (our Russian student-guides, actually) found our way to St. Basil’s Cathedral just in time to watch the fireworks. Tres pretty, though I was fairly certain the city was going to catch on fire. They actually were thinking of cancelling, because of the heat and the fires this summer. So many people died, that they felt guilty celebrating. But if Russians stopped celebrations just because a lot of people died…let’s just say everyone would oft themselves then and there.

D is for Death: There are many ways you can die in Moscow, including but not limited to: death by water, rape, gypsy cabs, police brutality, assassination, kidnap, food poisoning, vehicle accident, etc. This section is especially aimed at you mother. You should definitely continue worrying. I know I am.

E is for Eggs: So Russians are big on telling you about your fertility. We (two other hooligans in our group, actually. I’m already forming a collective mentality!) were scolded for sitting on the ground, because it would ruin their eggs. Scolded by strangers. Russians are nice like that. Odd.

F is for Finland. It’s kinda nearby to Russia. My host-babushka’s friends are going to Finland, so we’re playing babysitter to their cat. Stepan is очень shmadorable.

G is for Ground: The ground of Moscow is narsty-farsty. Extremely. Nuff said. Putting your bag/coat/any belonging on the ground is a major taboo, and old ladies will come and yell at you.

H is for Hozaika (Okay, that’s a sucky transliteration, but I had no better H): That’s Russian for woman of the house, or landlady, or some lady with power in the home. My Хозяйка is an old woman named Inna Borisovna. She is hilarious. She hassles me and tells me I eat badly (what?), don’t know how to dress, and to sit up straight. It’s the way to show me she cares. So cute. So frightening. Also she’s a geochemist. So yeah, shmamazing.

I is for Internet: Internet is old-school shady here. Really the only way to do internet as a traveler or temporary student is to go to McDonalds or a coffee chain and use the free wifi there. Unless you’re awesome like me and have neighbors with unprotected wifi. Suckas.

J is for Jenny: So I try russofying my name into Zhenya, but Russians don’t like that. In fact, at Starbucks (whoops…I caved. It’s my home away from home. DON’T JUDGE!) I ordered as Zhenya when they asked my name so they could call it when my chai was ready. I heard them bounce the name around a lot, but finally when I got my chai DJENNI (in Cyrillic) was clearly printed on the side. What the heckamonga? Or they insist on calling me Jennifer, which is a capital offense. If I end up in an international court, it will probably be because I assaulted someone for using my given name.

K is for Kapitalism: Just kidding. I don’t have anything for this letter. K is a stupid letter. So is Q and X. Z sucks too.

L is for Lenin: Dude, this guy is everywhere. I live on Dmitraya Ulyanova street, which is the name of Lenin’s brother. The university is on Leningradsky Prospekt. The metro stop before mine (Akademicheskaya) is Lenin Prospekt. He haunts the metro like a bum (of which I’ve seen much less than DC btw). He creeps a lot. MVP would be proud (JERSEY SHORE REFERENCE. That’s for you, mom. You’re not supposed to understand).

M is for Men: Don’t look at them. Don’t make eye contact with them. If I hear some creepy man saying “devushka krasavitsa” one more time, I’m going to turn around and shank him. The gender gap is extremely wide here. On the other hand, women also get flowers ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME. In fact, if they don’t have a constant stream of foliage, they think their man don’t love them no mo’ and they gots to find another. So you win some, you lose some.

N is for Not America: Russia is not America. Who knew?

O is for Opera: I have yet to go to one here. I hear they are smashing though. Our Russian film teacher has theatre and artsyfartsy connections, so maybe I’ll shmooze him (hear that Liz?!) and convince him to get me free stuff. In a non-creepy way. Russian teacher-student relationships are like that. They’re our drinking buddies.

P is for the PoPo: If there’s anything worse than the rampant crime, gypsies, and drunken hooligans in Moscow, it’s the people who are supposed to enforce the laws. Stay away. Just…stay far far away. The Police can stop you at anytime and ask for your documents. If they’re feeling especially frisky that day, they can make up a random fine, even if you’re perfectly legal. This is their secret popo code for “Gimme yo money. Bribe me so I don’t beat you with my popo stick”. I have yet to experience a document check, but let’s hope it’s in the middle of rush hour on the metro, and not in a dark alley late at night.

Q: See K

R is for Rush Hour: Holy crap. The Moscow metro is RIZONCULOUS! It’s like someone transplanted the entire population of London and New York and said “Go at it!”. Needless to say, much brutality is needed to get a spot on any train. Luckily I have enough DC metro cred to muscle my way through. Liz, you should SEE IT! Makes WMATA look like child’s play. Also it’s ridiculously pretty. Everything is marble, and the station interiors look like you stepped off the train and into a museum.

S is for: Okay so I know I should have something for S, like Soviet or Socialism or ShBarackObamaisadirtySocialist (hiya teabaggers), but really I’m getting very lazy and need to do my Russian homework. I suppose the Russian part is redundant. BECAUSE IT’S ALL IN FRIGGIN RUSSIAN. Ay dios mio, what have I gotten myself into?

T is for Toilet: Soviet (honestly, let’s call a spade a spade) plumbing leaves much to be desired. We were welcomed to Moscow for the first night with a broken toilet. Let’s just say plumber is not a good look on me. Especially after 3 days. That stuff gets narsty. I’ll leave it at that. Though happy to say water pressure is better than I had this summer (hear that JoAnn? Aka slumlord).

U,V,W,X,Y,Z: No one really likes these letters. They’re virtually useless in a “ABC’s of…” list, so I’ll spare you all (hi mom, Liz, and Regine) the pain of my ramblings.